I can't describe how utterly drained I feel right now. Today was hectic. I got slammed at work today, and of course, I couldn't ask anyone for help because my manager was off and my co-worker was out with his mom. So, I was left completely to myself today, and made a few mistakes, like realizing the $20 coupon I had let four people use expired yesterday. Sigh. Retail stinks. I need to hurry up and finish school so I can get a "real" job. I haven't been sleeping as much as I shouild. I think part of this is because I postpone going to bed, partly because I'm afraid of the things I will think about before I fall asleep. So, in an effort to avoid all night paranoias, I stay up until I am utterly exhausted and will fall asleep relatively quickly. What's really bothering me right now is my relationship with E, or lack of. It's not every day that your boyfriend almost dies and spends the next unknown amount of months recovering, and that's what I'm going through right now. I don't know how to handle this. We were friends for five months and had been dating only a week when he had a mass of blood vessels in his head burst, and I figured out what was going on and drove him to the emergency room. His motor skills are back and so are the majority of his cognative abilities, which is amazing, because for all intensive purposes he should be dead or paralyzed right now. But he's not all there yet... He has no peripheral vision on the left side, and his communication skills aren't doing so well, either. It's not that he's not communicating, but at times he tends to ramble and not listen to other people. It's especially hard for him to deal with several conversations at the same time, like if we are in a group of people. The thing is, what I really liked about E was that I had great conversations with him and felt like he listened to me, so our relationship is suffering because I feel like a lot of the time we have nothing to talk about or he doesn't want to talk to me. I know he's going through a lot, thinking about all of it, but either he doesn't want to, or he doesn't have the ability to tell me about it. I keep telling him that counseling would be a good idea, but he won't listen to reason. Hell, I feel like I need counseling, and I'm not the one who almost died. I feel guilty writing about this... It's rather private and I'm putting it out in a public forum. I don't know, I was hoping maybe someone would understand what I'm going through and say something that makes me feel a bit better. What is hardest for me to deal with is that the people who understand me and are the best at supporting me are either 1500 miles away (Ellen in Iowa, Q in New York), or otherwise busy. There's a close friend of E's who's been through something similar (I believe his dad had an aneurysm) and he's very good to talk to, but he's pretty busy right now. Also, he's newly married, and I feel a little odd calling him very much, because I don't want to cause problems between him and his wife. I don't think I would cause problems, but I don't know him or his wife all that well, and his wife is rather quite and introverted, so I don't know how she feels about me... :whatever: Sigh. It's very hard for me to deal with all of this right now. Sometimes I wish that E had gone home with his dad for a few months, but he didn't want to, and they can't provide him with company 24 hours a day, so it's probably for the best that E's living at an assisted living facility right now. I've been trying to be positive through all of this, but I'm starting to get very down, and I think my attitude is rubbing of on my sweetie. Perhaps that should be my motivation to stay happy and strong, the fact that my emotions and actions play a great role in how E is feeling and reacting to the situation he is in. Sigh. It will all be alright, I keep telling myself, but I want everything to be okay [I]now[/I]. I really need to work on my patience. :(
11:35 p.m. - Sunday, May. 09, 2004
Recent entries:
Birdwatcher - Sunday, Mar. 29, 2009
- - Sunday, Mar. 11, 2007
Keep Your Pants On - Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006
It's Easier This Way - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
I Could Have Left You Forever - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
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