Things are happening in my life that I cannot explain. Maybe it's not quite like that... maybe it's more like trying to explain them would be a horrible train wreck of pain and self-doubt and downright loathing.
In short: I have just quit the third permanent position I've had in the last twelve months. I have no other job lined up. I am considering moving home or asking my mother for a 2,500 loan so I can move to another, cheaper apartment closer to civilization.
Oh yes, and I am currently having an elicit affair with someone else's boyfriend. A someone else who seems to love this boyfriend quite a lot. And the thing is, I'm quite sure she loves him much more than I do. Yes, he is a fantastic cuddler and cook and we have dirty, sweaty sex and he'll tell me how gorgeous I am... but he's not mine. He was at one point, but I wasn't quite so fond of him then.
But he constructed with me this odd, dependant relationship shortly after our breakup, whereas he became the person who held me on those nights when my thoughts of self-defeat and fear were crushing me. He kept me whole and safe, and he held on tight while I shivered and wimpered in my sleepless nightmare state. He wrapped his arms and legs around me so that I wouldn't slip away in my sleep. And he told me not to worry. And he has listened to me and supported me and pushed me to be successful, and kept all of his own worries and plans to himself.
"I love you," we say to each other last night after sweaty lovemaking. He's just returned from a one month vacation with his utterly devoted girlfriend. And at least I know that he truly loves neither of us, nor does he love himself. I'm okay with this, because I know that life is not perfect, and I know that this is not something that is going to last forever. And maybe, not quite so secretly, I don't really feel that I'm much worth loving in the first place.
This will be the only place where I am honest with myself about this situation... or at least try to be. I have never been this deceptive in my life, and I keep thinking that everyone must know. I'm sure my closest friends know, though I haven't told and never plan to tell them. I'm sure his roommate knows or at least strongly suspects... And the man can only go for so long sending dirty text messages to me and spending the night at my apartment before his girlfriend figures it out. And honestly, if I were her, I'd want to beat the living shit out of me. And I know that if I actually knew her that I would never be doing this. Why am I doing this?
He calls me the other night, while his girlfriend is in bed, and tells me he's taken two Sundays off in a row because he thinks that I would like to spend time with him. ??? He makes plans to come over and sleep next to me after his night class during the week. He leaves his shirt and his fucking Starbucks coffee and travel mug in my apartment.
And neither of us talk about what all of this means. We carefully avoid discussions of his girlfriend. I mention her name on occasion, but never attach the word "girlfriend". Last night, though, as we are having dinner together, I mention how I think that I should be feeling guilty about all of this, and that it worries me that I don't. I think maybe if I can do this that I might be able to do even worse things, like becoming a serial killer. I'm aware that this is a ridiculous thought, as having an affair and killing multiple people in a patterned and sadistic way are two very different things. However, I never thought I would be the kind of woman who would knowingly participate in this kind of relationship.
And yes, part of me does love part of him. I love that part that holds me close and tells me that I shouldn't be afraid of all my possibility. But the larger part of me wonders what exactly he thinks he's doing with his life. The larger part of me wonders what makes him behave so dependantly when he's always claiming to be such an independent person... And the larger part of me realizes that he is more like me than I would like to admit.
5:41 p.m. - Monday, Jan. 23, 2006
Recent entries:
Birdwatcher - Sunday, Mar. 29, 2009
- - Sunday, Mar. 11, 2007
Keep Your Pants On - Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006
It's Easier This Way - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
I Could Have Left You Forever - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
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