Finally I can add an entry... Since I let my supergold membership expire and haven't been able to renew it, it's been hard to post anything here, as the servers have been getting overloaded.
The following are snippets from another journal of mine:
This morning I woke up from a horrible nightmare. J, my ex whom I broke up with last April, had called me and I hadn't picked up the phone. When I checked my voice mail, there was a message saying, "Hey, it's me. I really need to talk," and then someone else's voice saying "Oh God, Oh no, no, God." I thought J had committed suicide while leaving me a voice message.
When I couldn't get back to sleep this morning, I left J a voice mail saying that I had a nightmare about him and could he please call me back and let me know that he was alright. However, I found out that things are far from alright.
During my conversation with him, I discovered that he has Hep. C and is refusing treatment. He got it from sharing needles with his last girlfriend, who has been a herion addict for quite a few years. Also, now that he has Hep. C and feels like he can't ever get married or have children, he doesn't see a point in quitting drugs. So, perhaps my dream about him committing suicide was a premanition.
I can't explain how horrible I feel about this. He is such a nice person, he was so in love with me and devoted, but he started to make a lot of bad decisions. He started to get really depressed and I told him he should get counseling, but he refused. Eventually things between us became so miserable that I thought it would be best if we broke it off. One week later he hooked up with the herion addict.
When we were dating, he was so unbelievably sweet. He would cook for me all the time and constantly told me how beautiful and wonderful I was. He even drove my mom's car 1500 miles so I would have something to drive after my car broke down last fall.
I really wanted him to be happy and have a family, but now that can never happen.
I found out through research that I did last night that a lot of people live the rest of their lives with Hep. C and don't have any problems. I found out that my grandfater has Hep. C, and he is 73 now. So, if my ex can quit the horse and turn his life around, everything could probably be okay. Of course, he wouldn't be able to drink, though.
I was under the impression that he (my ex) has an active infection, though, which means he will have to get treatment.
I don't know what to do. Perhaps his dad could Baker Act him, but I think that once he got out he would still feel hopeless and continue in a downward spiral. I don't know... I just wish things could be different and I feel somewhat guilty, because J was happy with me and wasn't doing drugs when we were together.
I know that none of this is my fault, but I still feel that there is something I should be able to DO.
12:04 p.m. - Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004
Recent entries:
Birdwatcher - Sunday, Mar. 29, 2009
- - Sunday, Mar. 11, 2007
Keep Your Pants On - Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006
It's Easier This Way - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
I Could Have Left You Forever - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
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