How are you doing? I hate asking generalized questions like that. How are you feeling? That's more like a question I'd like to ask.
I'd like to know that Cassandra and Paul's wedding and reception were like, and how you felt seeing them getting married. I'd like to know how you are feeling about Mara, and will respect you if that's something you don't feel like talking about. I don't know her, but I have some idea of how much you care about her from what you have told me.
I was going to talk to you about this movie I saw the other night, Running With Scissors. I didn't notice until the very end of the movie that not a single character had said "I love you" to another character in the movie. This stuck out because the movie is about a boy and his family and the adopted family he ends up at, and how crazy everyone in his life is, but it seemed pretty apparent to me that in all that craziness there was a lot of love. I noticed it right near the end, when there was a scene where the phrase would have fit exactly, but it was not uttered. For some reason, this made the relationships the boy had seem even more poweful to me. I felt like there was a concious decision made by the screenwriter/director to leave that phrase out. It may have seemed manipulative or false in the context of most of the situations in the movie. This exclusion made me think of you because it was crafty and purposeful, and you are the master of crafty and purposeful exclusion. It also made me feel a bit sentimental, because you delt with a lot of crazy emotional shit spewing out of me over the past year, yet you are still good at hugging me and holding my hand and generally being a caring person who doesn't act like he is entirely sick of me feeling like a nutcase.
Whether it was intentional or not, I'm glad that you waited to ask me about my brother. I have been having a hard time digesting all of the family drama lately, and had gotten fairly sick of discussing it lately. I know that this is not one of those things I am just going to be able to ignore, though, and I don't really look forward to the road that lies ahead. There is a lot of uncertainy regarding the safety of my family, and I am having a hard time adjusting to the fact that there is not much I can do about it. I'm at the point where I almost want to move someplace entirely new and build a different life for myself. I am trying not to be fickle, though. I know that happiness is not always about where one physically happens to be. I also feel like I owe some sort of sisterly love and guidance to my brother, even though he has been such an ass.
One of my favorite memories of you is how you would snuggle up to me and kiss me on the neck when we were about to fall asleep. It was very tender and perhaps not-so-innocent, but it made me feel warm and protected. I know that this may seem like a random thought, but it is something that just popped into my head and I wanted to share it with you.
11:03 p.m. - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
Recent entries:
Birdwatcher - Sunday, Mar. 29, 2009
- - Sunday, Mar. 11, 2007
Keep Your Pants On - Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006
It's Easier This Way - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
I Could Have Left You Forever - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
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