Him: Do you have a moment?
me: I am about to go to bed
but ok
what's up?
Him: If you are about to go to bed, that's OK
you can go
me: what did you want to talk about?
Him: I wanted to talk about what happened between us when you visited
me: ok
Him: I can always email you, though, or talk to you later
me: no, you can talk to me now
Him: alright
then let me start off by explaining a few things that I've left unexplained
me: ok
Him: one thing I didn't tell you, partly on purpose because I wanted to test myself, is that ��. and I are trying to rebuild things with the aim of dating once more
me: yeah, I kinda figured that out
Him: That is a major part of the reason why I was so reticent, and a major part of the reason it was hurtful to me.
I'm sorry for not telling you; I should have.
me: whatever
it really doesn't matter
Him: She knows that we slept together, and that has tremendously damaged those attempts.
me: I'm 1400 miles away, and you always liked her more than me, anyway
Him: Ultimately I knew and you didn't, so you're not to blame for that part of it
I didn't ever tell you, directly, to stop, and I didn't ever actually stop you. I also apologize for that, because I think it was also not good for you.
me: because you don't really care about me like that...
Him: Yes, I always did like her more than you, you're right.
me: well, thanks for clearing that up
Him: No, I don't, but that's not what this is about, ultimately
and I'm not done
me: well, if you have something not-so-nice to say to me, please measure your words very carefully
Him: I think that we are dangerous for one another, and perhaps you more for me than vice versa ... we both play into one anothers' archetypical power-schemes and one anothers' flawed senses of the love/lust distinction ... we also both play upon one anothers' conflation of the two.
And I'm not going to choose my words any more or less carefully as a result of some vaguely-worded threat-sounds. I don't intend to say mean things to you, either.
me: it's not a threat
I just don't feel the greatest right now overall
Him: Well, I'm not saying anything mean or untrue, so bear with me.
I think it is best if we do not have contact with one another for a while.
This is mostly protective of me, and I apologize if it is hurtful to you.
me: protective of you?
how does it protect you?
if you don't even care about me that much, I don't see how it protects you
Him: But I feel a distinct need to not have you in my life right now. I am being self-preserving by simply avoiding what temptation you present. I am obviously, for reasons we've discussed, unable to stand up to strong temptations, especially when they play heavily upon my weaknesses, purposeful or not.
me: fantastic
Him: So rather than try to play tough guy, I would like to remove the temptations until such a point as I am fit to handle them.
You are among those, and relatively high upon that list.
me: well, I don't think they'll be around to bother you anymore
Him: Good. I mean you no offense and bear you little, if any, ill will for any wrongs you've done me. And I don't begrudge you wrongs we've done each other, and to others, in large part because we've done them together ... but this is good-bye until another time.
me: You know what really bothers me, since where talking about this now?
And I need you to listen to me instead of just saying goodbye.
Him: I'm sorry for not being stronger, and able to do this with you on a purely platonic level.
I'm listening.
Please keep in mind, though, that I don't have terribly much time either ... so please say whatever you have to say, all of it. But also please be concise.
me: I am really bothered that you extended your sympathy to me when I was vendreble. And that when I told you I wanted something more with you that you took it as an invitation to sexual advances.
Because that was not what I meant.
When I told you last fall that I felt like I wanted something more, it was because I had strong emotions for you.
And there are several times where I thought that I loved you.
And I am sorry that I was so confused and deluded and could not see for the entire time that I would never be the person that you wanted to be with in that way.
It's stupid, but all I ever really wanted from you was for you to want to be with me.
And I was always such a broken, fucked-up person around you.
And I don't know that you ever really saw me when I was happy.
And being "the other woman" has hurt me far more than it will EVER hurt you.
Him: Ultimately that appealed to me on some level, because I like to fix things ... but I wasn't looking for something which needed fixing, and so you're right that you would never have been the person that I wanted to be with in that way. You were not simply a place-holder, but you were not what I was going to want long-term. And I knew that.
me: and I have had to put all of that hurt and shame away, because it's not convient for you to deal with or to acknowledge
Him: Your want for me to want to be with you was part of what repelled me. A small part, but a part ... I like my women strong, and that wasn't something you demonstrated.
me: yeah, I'm aware of that
Him: I have been dealing with hurt and shame for a long time now. Longer than you are aware. And I have been dealing with the hurt and shame of what happened between us since it happened, close to a year ago.
me: I'll probably end up spending my life alone becuase I'm not able to pretend that I don't give a shit.
Him: There's no sense in which I've made you put that away
One can acknowledge they give a shit without coming across as needing the other's approval.
me: You know, I don't need your fucking approval.
Him: At any rate, I'm sorry if I've made you feel as though you had to repress anything
I'm sorry if I made you feel less human or worthless or unwanted
me: You didn't make me feel less than human or worthless
Him: And I'm sorry if I never made it clear that I will never care about you in the way I care about ��.
I'm just covering my bases here, and I haven't much time.
me: Well, this really sucks.
Him: I do blame you for your part in this, but I blame myself more.
And now I have to go
me: I really wanted to be your friend.
Him: Goodbye for now [�..]
You can still be my friend, just not for a while.
OK?
me: I don't do conditional friendships.
Him: Agree to that for me, and that will be the best thing you can do for me as a friend.
Goodbye.
I refused to give him �goodbye�. Two days later, I effectively blocked him from my life. No phone number, no forwarding address, all messages and emails automatically blocked. Aren�t I the good little grudge-holder? I don�t say that with self-satisfaction, but with something that borders more on sadness. Forgive a girl for wanting to be more than a sexual temptation that is �rather high on the list� for someone who is a near self-proclaimed sexual addict. I wish my inner editor had been censoring me a bit more during this fateful conversation. I would have left out the �all I wanted was for you to want to be with me� bit. Human need is a tragic, pathetic thing.
I often forget what love is.
I predict their (unhappy) marriage within 3 years (2 might be more likely). (It will be unhappy because she will always know that if I come into town for a holiday I could seduce her husband in seconds flat if I wished.)
The most bitter part of me wanted to send her a horrible, graphic note about the things her boyfriend and I did together. But it would serve no purpose other than to cause misery, and I am not a psychopath, in spite of what certain individuals may think.
6:12 p.m. - Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006
Recent entries:
Birdwatcher - Sunday, Mar. 29, 2009
- - Sunday, Mar. 11, 2007
Keep Your Pants On - Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006
It's Easier This Way - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
I Could Have Left You Forever - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
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