him: How is your brother?
me: as much of a jackass as ever, but now with three metal plates in his face
his surgery was supposed to take 4 hours, but only took 2
him: But he's OK, I guess.
me: it was last Monday
yeah, I guess... he has to start rehab tomorrow
I'm interested to see if he actually goes through with it
him: what sort of rehab, for alcohol?
me: his blood alcohol level was 0.313 when they brought him into the hospital
yeah
him: yesus christo
me: he was drinking every night before this happened
yeah
it's kind of hard to ignore at this point that my brother is an alcoholic
but I'm thinking that maybe my mom and brother will find some way to not really deal with this
he's impossible to talk to
him: that's sort of unfortunate
me: sort of?
10:18 PM I realize that I'm not exactly the soft-spoken type, so I'm not the greatest at expressing concern
I haven't really said much this time around, at least not to my brother
10:19 PM I just asked him if he thought he should probably go to rehab, and said that I thought it was a good idea
him: that seems the mature decision for your own sanity
me: yeah, I've said more to my mom about it, but that's because he's been making her life hell for years and she just constantly cleans up after him and takes his abuse
10:20 PM I just want to get out of here...
the room I'm moving into is not ready yet
so I am stuck here until the 15th
him: sucks to be you, it seems
me: I am so tired of fighting with people
10:21 PM well, things could always be worse
at least no one is dead
and it seems that the guy who attacked my dad has been arrested
10:22 PM so that's good
ha ha ha... this shit just seems so unreal
10:23 PM work is going well for me, though
him: I'm glad work is going well
me: and I don't have any men troubles, really, outside of the ex trying to be mistakenly friendly
him: I was going to watch a movie with T when I got home from work, but he was asleep
me: oh
him: Now I am movie-less, for the mo', at least
me: is he awake now and you are going to go do that, then?
oh
10:24 PM I thought you were telling me because you were going to go
him: I was not telling you that for that reason
me: ok
10:26 PM sometimes I want to be able to shut off how I am feeling
does that make sense?
10:27 PM I don't have to have this kind of conversation with you, if it makes you uncomfortable
or if you don't have the time
him: neither is currently the case
shutting off how one is feeling is a useful tool, but also a damaging one
take it from someone who knows
10:28 PM
me: I'm sorry about what happened when I saw you
I need to say that to you, and you don't have to say anything about it
him: it's like how you can take sharp corners in your car at high speed by slamming the brake as you continue to accelerate through the turn ... gets the job done without making you slow down below 40, but not so great for the vehicle.
for what are you sorry?
10:29 PM
me: for pushing thingsd
things, that is
10:30 PM it seemed fairly clear that you were of the mind that what I was wanting was good for neither of us
him: this is true
10:32 PM it seemed clear that by the end you were (and you should correct me if I'm wrong, but think about it first and correct me only if I actually am wrong) pushing things primarily just to make sure it was still difficult for me to resist your advances
10:33 PM
me: yes, which was some stupid pointless game
10:34 PM
him: I can accept your apology for that, earnestly.
10:35 PM I did an awful job, though obviously far better than you'd expected.
me: yeah
him: By the end of it you didn't even want to have sex with ME, you just wanted me to give in to having sex with YOU to inflate your ego.
10:37 PM
me: do I have to confirm everything you know already?
10:38 PM
him: Are you avoiding confirming that because you don't want to admit it?
me: no, I admit it, and it feels awful
him: I don't really need you to confirm it ... if you don't deny it, then I don't have any reason to doubt.
You do some awful, selfish things, sometimes. I do too. These are bits of ourselves upon which we ought work more thoroughly
10:39 PM
me: I know
I have a hard time seperating caring and physical desire sometimes
10:40 PM I also seem to have a very, very confused idea of what love is
I am beginning to think that I don't know what love is at all
him: As you may have observed, I've worked significantly upon some of mine (e.g. my resistance to sexual/romantic attention from girls when it is a bad idea, and also my awareness of the fact that I have a tendency to conflate the sexual and romantic needs, and to overinflate my need for them).
10:41 PM This is why we are still friends: we both have a keen insight into each other from that particular perspective ... being able to see ourselves in one another without wanting to acknowledge that it is ourselves we are really seeing.
me: I'm pretty aware that what I'm looking for is not sex
that I know
him: I think I've seen deeper into you, though, than you have into me, because I'm far more practiced and more adept at keeping things below the radar.
10:42 PM
me: yeah
him: Although I guess I'm letting the cat out now, as it were.
10:43 PM me: in some way, yes, but we have talked about this before
so it's not that this is a suprise to me
him: I'm aware
10:44 PM
me: you are so closed
10:45 PM I mean, to me, most of the time
and I know that you have reason to
to be, that is
10:46 PM and it makes it hard for me to have any real acurate reading of you
him: I open up from time to time
when it is appropriate or necessary or allowable
10:47 PM
me: but I know that there are people who know far more of you than I do that love you very much, so I don't think there are things you keep from me that would make me not want to know you
when you allow, that is, when you deem what is necessary or appropriate
10:49 PM I felt bad not having you with me on my birthday
him: why?
10:50 PM You were mostly looking to lord your sensuality over me, it seems. Right?
me: no
him: And you accomplished that pretty well
10:51 PM
me: I wanted to be able to spend time with you around some of the people that I am closest to
and I wanted to have a fun night with you included in it
10:52 PM it was such a strange night
10:53 PM it's not about sex
10:54 PM you are frighteningly intelligent and witty and impossible
10:56 PM
him: I'm aware of those things, though unable to harness them for the most important of things
10:57 PM
me: of all the people I've met in my life, you are the only person whom I have a story for
him: ?
me: I know when, I know where, I know the conversation, I know the color of the ridiculous socks you were wearing
10:58 PM
him: you mean the only person you have a story about meeting?
me: I mean, I tend to forget where and how I met someone
yeah, I guess
I mean, that I can immediately recall
him: which is not to say that you won't eventually forget the details of meeting me as well
me: possibly
him: not to say that you will
10:59 PM
me: I think that I tell you more than is necessary
11:00 PM him: tell me what?
11:02 PM me: I don't have to tell you that I find you dangerously intelligent and that I can immediately recall the story of how we met
it's not necessary
and it may even come across as flattery when that' not really what it's meant to be
that's
*
11:03 PM
him: I understand that it's not meant as flattery ... it's not met therewith.
11:07 PM
me: Sometimes you accuse me of rehearsing things or not saying what I mean.
11:08 PM
him: You're right ... but generally (as my accusals indicate) I am aware of that
me: you are aware of what?
11:09 PM
him: when your'e doing that
me: I can only think of one time, and you were wrong
but that's neither here nor there
him: yes, true
11:10 PM me: I do sometimes struggle for the right things to say to you
but it is because I am afraid that I will ask you the wrong question, and you will close up
11:11 PM him: I am not going to close up more than I am
I will remain where I am or open up
11:12 PM me: but sometimes I wonder if things are worth discussing
sometimes I ask you about things and you get offended
him: some things are, some are not ... I haven't gotten offended or shut off in a long time
it's not my MO nearly as much
11:13 PM me: I don't talk to you very much
so I wouldn't really know
him: still a valid thing to say
11:14 PM me: you metioned something about dating C while I was with you a couple of weeks ago
you said something about dating her in January
yes?
him: dating in the very rough sense
11:15 PM
me: dating as in sex?
him: we had a fling, and it was actually february
me: or is this a question I am not allowed to ask?
oh
11:16 PM him: I already answered, so apparently not a taboo question
me: well, I was typing that as you were typing
him: fair
11:17 PM
11:11 p.m. - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
Recent entries:
Birdwatcher - Sunday, Mar. 29, 2009
- - Sunday, Mar. 11, 2007
Keep Your Pants On - Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006
It's Easier This Way - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
I Could Have Left You Forever - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
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