I said goodbye to KC today. It was something I felt I had to do. He has been such a big part of my life here in Tampa; it didn't feel right leaving without telling him. I also had something to prove to myself. I had to be able to talk to him whithout feeling angry or nervous or sick to my stomach. I needed to let all of those bad feelings from the past go. I wanted a good ending.
I came around the back way and he was shirtless in his bedroom. playing a videogame. He smiled when he saw me. We talked about what had been going on in our lives. Everything smelled the same, him, his room.
He laughed at my tale about Eric nearly dying in my parking lot. He told me about a girl Samantha who he really likes and has plans to cherish. We went to dinner at the diner where Eric and I had our first date. I told him about how Eric and I had sat at the counter and he had looked at me like I was the most amazing thing in the world, and about the hilarious waitress we had, and how everything was so happy. "Until his brain blew up," KC interjected. Of course.
I told him about William and how I had asked him to move with me. He said he couldn't believe I had convinced someone to move to Iowa with me. I said, "He really loves me." He asked me what I like about William and I said he was brilliant and witty and treated me like gold.
KC opened the doors for me.
He asked me if there was anything good I remembered about us, and we talked about reading poetry in bed and his twenty-fourth birthday, when we woke up together and looked at the rain-soaked tree while cuddling and he said, "it's so beautiful." I forgot to mention the time we were making love and a flare went off outside the window.
I found out that Drea, the burger girl, meant nothing to him. He wasn't sleeping with her the night I went crazy on him and told him that if I could find the part of me that liked him and kill it, I would. He said he knew he had fucked up, and that he had wanted to make love to me in the back room of the store so badly (which was what I had came to do). He said Drea was easy; she was his whore. This somehow comforted me. I thought maybe he really loved me at some point. I think he still does, in a way that is more important to me than anything having to do with romance, sex, etc.
I asked him if I looked good. He told me that I looked happy. He told me to take care of William.
We hugged each other like we were never going to let go. As he crushed me against his chest, he said "Always do the right thing." I thought that was such horrible advice to leave me with.
"What is the right thing?"
"You always know what the right thing to do is, in your heart. Sometimes it's hard as hell to do the right thing, and that's when it's most important. You have to be true to yourself."
He asked me if I was going to write him. I told him that it might make William upset, but he said I should do what makes me happy and not worry about that. I said I would write if he would write me back. He said he would.
I said goodbye to the house as I left. There are so many memories there. "We had some good times."
"Yes, we did," I said. "I'm going to miss this place."
I found a penny, heads up, at the front door.
A part of me feels like that house is mine, too. I feel like I can walk up those back stairs any day and he will smile and invite me to dinner. It's a good note to end on.
I didn't look back.
I came home to William and told him about my adventure, and then we took a shower together, where we washed every part of one another. It was beautiful and intimate and I felt so happy to be in love with William. I am content.
9:03 p.m. - Saturday, Sept. 25, 2004
Recent entries:
Birdwatcher - Sunday, Mar. 29, 2009
- - Sunday, Mar. 11, 2007
Keep Your Pants On - Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006
It's Easier This Way - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
I Could Have Left You Forever - Monday, Oct. 30, 2006
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